vineri, 23 decembrie 2011

La Douleur Exquise!

Chapter ten: 

"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or love."

6.480.000 seconds passed since that day I first saw your face and I can say with certainty that I still am addicted...You turned my world upside down, I don't quite understand how you managed to do that but you did it!
After the day we met I didn't think we will see each other again, because even though your friend had my phone number and you had my Facebook id you didn't call or send a message, so I thought that was it! But 432.000 seconds passed and I was getting more and more intrigued by your constant presence in my mind so I did what you probably expected me to do: I took the bait! I texted you and, well, you texted back...Between the courses and work we talked a lot and I remember being truthfully and genuinely happy, the first time in a while...but then I got to thinkin' and I realized I was kind of scared of those emotions because they were too powerful. When A. called me and asked me if I wanted to go out with you three that coming weekend I was excited and I accepted, but after a while that fear invaded me and I freaked out. I realized one awful and scary thing: what if he wasn't feeling the same way...that electrifying feeling I have when I think of him? That scary question haunted me and made me do something I never did in my whole that weekend I turned my phone off! Sunday night I turned my phone back on, I had a few missed calls and some messages. I felt awful: Jesus Christ how could a single boy, that I'd seen once, made me do such a cowardly thing! I couldn't believe how he made me feel...That day I told him a half lie as an excuse for my absence and closed phone...I felt terrible...I hate lying! I realized that I was afraid of getting hurt again, I realized that was the reason I acted so shamefully. I was trying to protect myself from me and from him, from the unknown.
~~~~~~~~~Falling in love supposed to be electrifying and amazing and breath taking!~~~~~~~~~
Since my last serious relationship, aka Mr. Cocky, I had forbidden myself to fall in love or get attached but Mr. Mirage, aka JohnDoe, destroyed my defensive walls and through the cracks he got inside, and my heart was touched again!
That week we texted and talked on the phone some more, and it was then that I decided I wasn't going to run from him anymore! I told myself: how ever things will go I will go along...and so I did! Thursday night he called me cause we were chatting and his internet connection got cut and I remember how I trembled in my chair when he asked me:
-"What if the boy has a girlfriend?"
I felt how my world started to collapse over me and I was praying to God he wont hear the tremble in my voice! I started to ask myself: why me, why had the universe arranged itself this challenging way, it wasn't fair...but in spite of all I was feeling I managed to pull myself together and I answered him:
-"If that boy isn't married, he isn't taken!"
That night I couldn't sleep and yes, I did cry, I felt alone and powerless!
Saturday afternoon he called me and asked me out and I accepted. I thought to myself: why shouldn't I go, I promised myself a clean shot at this, if he came into my life it is for a reason! And, yes, I wanted to find out that reason, because nothing is accidental in this universe! That night was horrifyingly amazing! Until that night I had forgotten how many emotions can invade my body and mind in the same time, it was amazing! And the horrifying part was when, from time to time, I was realizing the magnitude of those emotions and most importantly that he had a girlfriend! I was praying  for  time to stand still...I felt like I was in the desert, beautiful view of the ruins, the warmth of the sun, the shadow of the palm trees, an oasis, the beautiful, so divine...praying that when I blink nothing disappears! But time did pass, and the morning came, we got up, got dressed and went to have coffee. We sat face to face at the table...I looked into his eyes and something was missing. I felt his glance cutting me open like a ten blade scalpel! Something was awfully wrong, I felt it in my bones, and I asked him if he wants to tell me something...but he hesitated...I knew that when we'll finish those cups of coffee and I'll get up and say goodbye it will be over. And I was right, I kissed him on the cheek and I got into the taxi he ordered for me and that was the last time I glanced into his beautiful green eyes!
54.000 seconds/900 minutes/15 hours passed us by, now it was Sunday, I arrived home around lunch time....I was alone again!

"Did I really love Mr. Mirage, or was I addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain, of wanting someone so unattainable."
End of part ten


4 comentarii:

  1. tot ceea ce patesti se intampla deoarece ti le faci cu mana ta. vrei ceea ce se poate obtine numai prin "munca grea", iar tu vrei sa obti asta pe calea cea scurta. nu este gresit sa iti doresti, sa speri, dar daca nu esti sigura pe ce vrei sa pui mana, ei bine.... nu o face ca sigur te arzi...

  2. tine minte asta si de fiecare data ca ai un esec in viata amoroasa adu-ti aminte si cugeteaza: "Sunt drumuri ce ne cauta demult, si-ajung la noi cand
    noi suntem plecati in cautarea lor pe alte drumuri."

  3. Anonim, I thank you for your thoughts, I can't quite figure out who you are, if we know each other in person or if we don't, but your comments speak truthfully of what you think about me. I understand completely what you are talking about even though I can see you doubt that. No worries, I'll keep your words in mind.


  4. I have to act like a fuckin asshole: was it because you're ugly an fat?