My disasters

Chapter five:   

Along my sex life I had a couple of disasters....Well, this post will be about them. 

Disaster number one: Mr. rubber addicted

The first disaster happen in a difficult moment of my life...I had been dumped and I went over to some friends for drinks...We all had love issues and we got into story telling and had drink after drink...Eventually we finished the booze and we were pretty darn drunk...I decided to go home...and one of the guys said he'll come too. We were dressed and out the door in no time...on our way home he invited me over to his place...Remember something: if the guy is too drunk...it can come with problems! I can't understand what was in my head (booze, I know...besides that I mean!!!) when I accepted. Some years back I had a relationship with this guy...but we didn't do anything then. That night when we arrived at his place we stared to kiss...and undress...I confess, I was drunk and horny and I wanted to have wild, nasty, filthy sex but I didn't expect the disappointment that followed!!! I said to myself..."OK, breathe you can deal with that...you can make it work! You gotta make it work!!!" He took a condom and he tried to put it on...that was a frustrating moment for me! He couldn't even stay up straight! I was horny and pissed! I tried to tell him it's OK 'cause I'm on the pill and he looked at me and said: "I can't get it up if I don't use a condom...and I can't get the condom on...'cause I'm too drunk and I can't get a proper erection". I went nuts and I grabbed the condom and put it on his thingy...At last...the lights were out..the clothes were off...the condom was on...but well, no proper erection...I was going insane! I wanted to get some hot, nasty sex and his toy wasn't working properly. God punished me that night...I tell you, he did! I named this little bastard Mr. rubber addicted...He was my first ever sex disaster...

Disaster number two: Mr. underage liar

My next one happened over a stupid curiosity-bet! I was out with a couple of friends and one of the boys catched my eye...He was good looking but extremely perky and well, underage (just seventeen)...He kept telling all the boys and girls that his manly toy was big, like nineteen cm big...and that he knows how to satisfy a girl and he has the proper equipment. At some point I got so imbued with his gibberish and I couldn't help but ask him how stupid was he when he tried to measure his toy...I told him that real men with real equipment don't brag about it...they just show you what they can do! After that he started being interested in me and actually tried to make me fall for his so called charms (I think I touched a nerve when I stood up  to him and said my piece of mind)...well, here comes the part where I don't know what the fuck was in my head when I let him think I was in fact interested in him too...that was that! Me and my  brilliant ideas...I was asking for a bad fuck? Man ... that was plain stupid...After a week or so we got to his place and I told him to strip and satisfy me...He went and turned off the lights, put some music and started to kiss me...I said to myself "OK a good kisser...lets see, what more". Our clothes went flying and we started to have sex...and  it was awful, bad-bad...I was hoping that he wont ask about his performance...but...he did...and I was sorry to tell him it was disappointing..He started to cry and begged me not to tell anyone, 'cause he could lose girls over it...That part was extremely funny but I accepted...After all it was my own fault I was in that awkward situation...so I reassured the "lovely event" will be kept between the walls of his room! And that was that!

 Disaster number three: Mr. too small

Well if God gave me Mr. Big...I think he insisted over me having to encounter Mr. too small also...

I was at a time in my life when I had some health problems and love problems at the same time...I felt like crap and in front of me was this cute guy who was asking about how I am and if he can do anything to help...wow, nice one! I wont ever fall for that one again... I knew he was in a relationship with an "insane girl"...some common friends told me about it. I asked him why was he so kind and affectionate with me when he had someone home...He had the stupidest answer in the book:

"I don't know how to get rid of her...we are together for some time and she has some family issues now and I can't brake-up with her"...I knew then and there that he was a bad liar...and a pussy...but I had my own problems. Pushed by the circumstances we had to spend time together...(we worked together) and he kinda got under my skin in those troubled moments. I eventually went out with him...After that we went to his place... he brought a bottle of wine. We ate and drank some wine and after we went in his room and started to kiss ... We got naked and I couldn't believe my eyes! What was that, what was that?!? I said to myself: "that couldn't be it, maybe his toy isn't fully erected"...But well, it was...that was it...a sausage is bigger...Disappointing...His reason: "I can't get it up properly without porn". 

The sex, if you can call it that, lasted for five minutes...and after that I said I have to get home...I took a shower, got dressed and went home...that was that!

Well guys...those were my disasters...learned a thing or two...and after everything I hope to God I wont have the delightful pleasure to encounter or get myself into more situations that could produce some more of these pleasant experiences...

The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don't know how to screw you.

End of part five

xoxo