Timpul -Time

"...Si astazi iubesc o amintire...And today I love a memory..."

A very pretty song that reminds me of Mr. Mirage aka JohnDoe...Listened to it for a long period of time a few months back...

Hope for the Hopeless

Chapter twelve:

"No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrified nerve endings in a kiss...open and exposed...and feeling way too much...Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes is just unavoidable. Sometimes that's the only thing left...just feeling."

Question of the day is: How do you look at the man you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away? 

The thing is that every day I try to find a good reason to walk away from you, from the idea of us, but I find myself in bed ready to go to sleep and I realize that another day has passed by and still I have no good reason...not even "a reason" that could help me walk away. Now you know everything, at last I had the guts to just tell you all of it, but not even you could come up with a reason that could make it easier for me to walk away. The only thing you told me is that I am too good of a person for you and that "there isn't time anymore...". When I asked you if you will keep your promise and one day tell me those thoughts and reasons you had that Sunday morning you answered: "I don't think so...". 

*•.¸♥¸.•****************************************************************************************•.¸♥¸.•*

Well, it's kind of a funny story ain't it?!? I feel like you have some burdens to bare on your shoulders, a secret, only you know the truth...Nonetheless, I don't know why my heart stopped in front of you, I can't find a reason for that, but I do know this: 

"Love is patient, Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast.
It is not proud, it is not rude.
It is not self-seeking, it is not easily anger.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
But rejoices with the truth.
It always protects. Always trusts.
Always hopes. Always perseveres.
                       Love Never Fails."  - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

In spite of all the emotions I felt over the months that passed I can't find it in my heart to hate you for the decision you took for the both of us. Even if some common friends told me, along the time, to move on 'cause you are not for me, I could never find the logic in their words. 

They say in this Universe everything happens for a reason and with a purpose, this way the balance is kept! Maybe one day I will discover the reason you came into my life and I came into yours and  the purpose of us meeting one another...

Until then, my friend, I wish you all the best! 

"When do you throw in the towel, admit that a lost cause is sometimes just that? There comes a point when it all becomes too much...when we get too tired to fight anymore... so we give up...that's when the real work begins...to find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all!"

End of part twelve 

xoxo

Cat de departe - How far away...

I dedicate this song to a very special person...

    Cat de departe sa-mi duc inima, ca sa nu se atinga de tine..
    Si cat de departe sa-mi duc dragostea, ca sa nu se intoarca la mine..
    Cat de departe sa colind pe pamant, fara liniste sau fara bine?
    Oricat de departe as pleca tot n-ar fi prea departe..Departe de tine!

    Cat de departe? (cat de departe..)
    Cat de departe? (cat de departe..)
    Cat de departe sa-mi duc dragostea. Departe de tine...?

    Cat de departe(cat de departe..)
    Cat de departe(cat de departe..)
    Oricat de departe as fugii pe pamant, m'as intoarce la tine...

    Si cat de departe gandul sa mi-l ascund , ca sa nu-mi aminteasca de tine?
    Si cat de adanc sa-mi ingrop inima ca sa nu se mai zbata in mine?
    Marea intreaga n-ar putea scufunda, toata dragostea asta, stii bine..
    Oricat de departe as fugii tot n'ar fi prea departe...departe de tine

    Cat de departe? (cat de departe..)
    Cat de departe? (cat de departe..)
    Cat de departe sa'mi duc dragostea departe de tine..?
    Cat de departe? (cat de departe...)
    Cat de departe? (cat de departe...)
    Oricat de departe as fugii pe pamant....m-as intoarce la tïne! x2

English translation:

How far away do I take my heart, so it wont be able to touch you
And how far away do I take my love, so it wont return to me
How far away to travel this earth, without peace and without good
No matter how far away I go it wouldn't be too far away from you...!

How far away? (how far away..)
How far away? (how far away..)
How far away do I take my love. Far away from you...?

How far away? (how far away..)
How far away? (how far away..)
However far away I would run, I would return to you...

And how far away do I hide my thoughts, so they wont remind me of you?
And how deep do I bury my heart, so it wont struggle in me?
The entire sea couldn't sink, all this love, you know it...
However far away I run, it wouldn't be too far away from you...!

How far away? (how far away..)
How far away? (how far away..)
How far away do I take my love. Far away from you...?
How far away? (how far away..)
How far away? (how far away..)
However far away I would run, I would return to you...!  x2

Nicest Thing

"I wish that we could give it a go...see if we could be something..."

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something 

...somebody that I used to know

 **********************************************

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know

Somebody...
*************

Love, Hope and Loss

Chapter eleven:

"The human body is designed to compensate for loss, it adapts, so it no longer needs the things that it can't have. But sometimes the loss is too great and the body can't compensate on its own..."

I can't manage to forget you, falling in love does change everything. A few days ago was your birthday and I really missed you, I tried to stay busy with the New Year's party and everything so I wont think about you that much but that got me an extremely bad hangover the next day, like Hangover III bad!!!

Even though we don't speak the same language it seemed we understand each other. Or maybe you were just faking it in order to get what you wanted. Maybe you're just a charmer and you enjoy bringing someone into your illusions...maybe that helps you cope with the distance and the time you have to spend here...I know without a doubt that your eyes didn't lie, maybe your mouth lied but the eyes don't know how to lie! Last night I dreamed about you, I didn't dream about you for quite some time...last night's dream was bittersweet! I knew I was dreaming and that the dream will end when I'll wake up, but I didn't want to let you go, didn't want to wake up, I wanted to keep dreaming...

They say that after a loss you may experience all kinds of difficult and surprising emotions, such as sadness, anger, and guilt. Well, there is no right or wrong way to deal with loss but there are ways to cope with the pain.

My way to deal with the pain is facing the "stimuli", whatever or whoever they may be!

I can't function if I try to sweep the "dirt" under the carpet or if I'll just ignore the facts and try to keep myself busy with work. Like the lyrics of this song say:
"..I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose/Fire away, Fire away/Ricochet, you take your aim/Fire away, Fire away/You shoot me down but I won't fall/I am titanium...

"

I want to understand but more importantly I need to understand things in order for me to function properly. I still remember that day you promised me you'll explain your thoughts and reasons, and I still am hoping you'll tell me those things. You said you always like telling the truth even though sometimes the truth hurts! Well, where is your principal now? I really can deal with the pain but I can't deal with not knowing the truth, even if that truth isn't what I would like it to be, it doesn't matter! It wont hurt this freaking much, believe me!

I feel like I met a man that had Alex Hitchens, aka Hitch, as his professional "date doctor"/relationship guru. Everyone heard of Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel...well Hitchens is Michelangelo of the relationships!

If I rewind things and choose just to judge your "moves", it's obvious that you've been after that "one special spice", that you've got in the end; but well, sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language, thirty percent is your tone, so that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your month! And that ninety percent gave me hope, and to hope is to risk pain, but you know what they say, love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed!

"We're so hopeful at the beginning of things, it seems like there's only a world to be gained, not lost. They say the inability to accept loss is a form of insanity. It's probably true, but sometimes it's the only way to stay alive."

End of part eleven

 xoxo

La Douleur Exquise!

Chapter ten: 

"Every form of addiction is bad, no matter the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or love."

6.480.000 seconds passed since that day I first saw your face and I can say with certainty that I still am addicted...You turned my world upside down, I don't quite understand how you managed to do that but you did it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the day we met I didn't think we will see each other again, because even though your friend had my phone number and you had my Facebook id you didn't call or send a message, so I thought that was it! But 432.000 seconds passed and I was getting more and more intrigued by your constant presence in my mind so I did what you probably expected me to do: I took the bait! I texted you and, well, you texted back...Between the courses and work we talked a lot and I remember being truthfully and genuinely happy, the first time in a while...but then I got to thinkin' and I realized I was kind of scared of those emotions because they were too powerful. When A. called me and asked me if I wanted to go out with you three that coming weekend I was excited and I accepted, but after a while that fear invaded me and I freaked out. I realized one awful and scary thing: what if he wasn't feeling the same way...that electrifying feeling I have when I think of him? That scary question haunted me and made me do something I never did in my whole life...in that weekend I turned my phone off! Sunday night I turned my phone back on, I had a few missed calls and some messages. I felt awful: Jesus Christ how could a single boy, that I'd seen once, made me do such a cowardly thing! I couldn't believe how he made me feel...That day I told him a half lie as an excuse for my absence and closed phone...I felt terrible...I hate lying! I realized that I was afraid of getting hurt again, I realized that was the reason I acted so shamefully. I was trying to protect myself from me and from him, from the unknown.
~~~~~~~~~Falling in love supposed to be electrifying and amazing and breath taking!~~~~~~~~~
Since my last serious relationship, aka Mr. Cocky, I had forbidden myself to fall in love or get attached but Mr. Mirage, aka JohnDoe, destroyed my defensive walls and through the cracks he got inside, and my heart was touched again!
That week we texted and talked on the phone some more, and it was then that I decided I wasn't going to run from him anymore! I told myself: how ever things will go I will go along...and so I did! Thursday night he called me cause we were chatting and his internet connection got cut and I remember how I trembled in my chair when he asked me:
-"What if the boy has a girlfriend?"
I felt how my world started to collapse over me and I was praying to God he wont hear the tremble in my voice! I started to ask myself: why me, why had the universe arranged itself this challenging way, it wasn't fair...but in spite of all I was feeling I managed to pull myself together and I answered him:
-"If that boy isn't married, he isn't taken!"
That night I couldn't sleep and yes, I did cry, I felt alone and powerless!
Saturday afternoon he called me and asked me out and I accepted. I thought to myself: why shouldn't I go, I promised myself a clean shot at this, if he came into my life it is for a reason! And, yes, I wanted to find out that reason, because nothing is accidental in this universe! That night was horrifyingly amazing! Until that night I had forgotten how many emotions can invade my body and mind in the same time, it was amazing! And the horrifying part was when, from time to time, I was realizing the magnitude of those emotions and most importantly that he had a girlfriend! I was praying  for  time to stand still...I felt like I was in the desert, beautiful view of the ruins, the warmth of the sun, the shadow of the palm trees, an oasis, the camels...so beautiful, so divine...praying that when I blink nothing disappears! But time did pass, and the morning came, we got up, got dressed and went to have coffee. We sat face to face at the table...I looked into his eyes and something was missing. I felt his glance cutting me open like a ten blade scalpel! Something was awfully wrong, I felt it in my bones, and I asked him if he wants to tell me something...but he hesitated...I knew that when we'll finish those cups of coffee and I'll get up and say goodbye it will be over. And I was right, I kissed him on the cheek and I got into the taxi he ordered for me and that was the last time I glanced into his beautiful green eyes!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
54.000 seconds/900 minutes/15 hours passed us by, now it was Sunday, I arrived home around lunch time....I was alone again!

"Did I really love Mr. Mirage, or was I addicted to the pain, the exquisite pain, of wanting someone so unattainable."

End of part ten


xoxo